What to do when NOTHING changes

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“My husband and I just finished watching your webinar (Feb. 25), which we loved, thank you, and we posted the question by my husband: “Is it ok to bring up the laundry list of unresolved conflict when having a current argument”. To which you both answered, “No!”. Some of our unresolved conflict stuff is pretty serious, some having to do with intimacy (or lack thereof – him being the one holding back both physically and emotionally). We are even going to marriage counseling, but he NEVER changes, NOTHING ever changes, so how do we resolve it in a way that is acceptable to me so that I can let go of it. Some of the reason we are not intimate is due to some physical problems caused by chemotherapy and radiation, but some of it is emotional. I listen to your podcasts, so I hope I get to hear the answer on one of your shows, or even by email? Thank you.”

Bringing up a laundry list of issues is wrong, but that is not her question.
Can her marriage be saved if he never changes?
How can you find a win/win solution when things feel hopeless?

Answers to these questions are coming up next on SMR.

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SHOW NOTES

  • “My husband and I just finished watching your webinar (Feb. 25), which we loved, thank you, and we posted the question by my husband: “Is it ok to bring up the laundry list of unresolved conflict when having a current argument”. To which you both answered, “No!”. Some of our unresolved conflict stuff is pretty serious, some having to do with intimacy (or lack thereof – him being the one holding back both physically and emotionally). We are even going to marriage counseling, but he NEVER changes, NOTHING ever changes, so how do we resolve it in a way that is acceptable to me so that I can let go of it. Some of the reason we are not intimate is due to some physical problems caused by chemotherapy and radiation, but some of it is emotional. I listen to your podcasts, so I hope I get to hear the answer on one of your shows, or even by email? Thank you.”

The answers:

  1. Why does a laundry list of issues present a problem?
    1. Because it is overwhelming, causes defensiveness, and usually leads to escalation or shutting down.
    2. Unresolved conflict needs to be addressed one issue at a time, using something like LOVE Talk.
  2. But he NEVER changes…
    1. Are you focusing on the NEVER or looking for small, incremental changes.  Your focus does matter when things are moving slowly.
    2. Sometimes you do need to quit…
      1. Let the Lord handle the impossible.
      2. You worry about you.
  3. Sometimes the win/win is laying down your life for your spouse.
    1. Serving never fails and is sometimes your only hope for change.
      1. Turning the other cheek (Mandela, MLK Jr., and Jesus).

Also, don’t forget…

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