Is your relationship doomed to fail?


Today’s show is for all those listeners who’ve ever felt their marriage can’t possibly survive something horrible. The truth is, there is a God who loves all of us, even those of us who do unthinkable things to damage the ones we love most. A wife, who listens to the show, discovered her husband’s addiction to pornography was much worse than she could ever have imagined. We answer her questions today like:

  • How can you possibly trust a husband who’s lied about pornography addiction?
  • Is there any hope for a man who searches for “abused teen girls”, especially when he has 4 daughters of his own?
  • Why is she tormented by this discovery?
  • Can she ever “get over this”?
  • Doesn’t forgiveness mean she should be able to forget?

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“First I want to say you guys and Amy do a great job. You’re an inspiration to keeping marriage strong and joyful. Thank you for being committed to each other and couples across the nation.

So, for the real stuff.

I’ve been struggling (tormented rather) for quite some time now. About a year after my husband and I married I stumbled across his pornography addiction. The topic had been briefly discussed before marriage and he talked about it as a past issue. Come to find out that was not the case. He was struggling and had been for much of his life.

What I discovered changed my view of my husband on many levels and my thoughts of how he views me. I was shocked, hurt, disgusted, and scared. His addiction was bad and he viewed things I found as an atrocity. Seeing the search for “abused teen girls f@*d” may never leave my mind. We have 4 young daughters. I can’t even put words to the effect this has had. Since then my husband swears complete deliverance and denys even so much as temptation. God has set him free.

So, why am I still tormented. Literally daily I wait for him to fall back into pornography or lust or have an affair. I feel that I am not what he desires and can never satisfy the carnal desire he had. I can never be pretty enough, skinny enough, sexy enough, shaped the right way, or desirable enough to fulfill him. Our sex life is mediocre partly because he puts forth little romance or foreplay and partly because I’m shutdown, scared, and lack confidence. I’m constantly wondering who or what else he’s desiring when he’s with me. I’ve tried to give this to God but continue to struggle deeply. I really want to regain trust and security in my husband and marriage. I want to regain confidence in myself. My husband is so amazing. He’s loving and helpful day after day. He’s a wonderful father and friend. Why can’t I move past this!? How do I heal? I’ve forgiven but can’t seem to forget or let go of my fear.

You guys have great knowledge and advice. After more than a year of pastoral counseling, and now professional counseling I thought this may be a good place to turn.”

Smalley Institute Online Courses

  1. How can you possibly trust a husband who’s lied about pornography addiction?
    • You can’t…but you can give him a chance to earn trust back…
      1. Trust but verify.
  2. Is there any hope for a man who searches for “abused teen girls”, especially when he has 4 daughters of his own?
    • There is always hope, but his journey to freedom is a long one and it isn’t easy.
    • He must get professional help
    • He must get into weekly accountability
    • He must grow daily and meditate on the words of Christ
  3. Why is she tormented by this discovery?
    • Because it is messed up!  The facts dictate the level of torment you will experience.
    • But Jesus says, “Don’t”.
  4. Can she ever “get over this”?
    • Yes, and she doesn’t need him to change.
    • She does need to make sure her daughters are safe.  That kind of addiction will lead to other bad behavior.
  5. Doesn’t forgiveness mean she should be able to forget?
    • Nope.  Forgetting has nothing to do with forgiving.
    • You need to set up the boundaries and he needs to honor them.
      1. Safeguard controls on all his devices
      2. Accountability
      3. Proof
      4. His daily walk with Jesus must be evident in his behavior

Also, don’t forget…

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This show was brought to you by the Smalley Institute. If your relationship is on life support, Smalley Marriage Intensive your marriage in two days. Call us at 800-975-8748 or click here for more information on our private, 1-on-1 program for couples.