Should this woman stay engaged to her fiance?

38 Responses

  1. It sounds like you are saying that once someone cheats they are incapable of ever having a monogamous relationship ever again. I am glad Jesus didn't approach life like that. He was and is a God of second chances and I for one am glad He was and is. I understand the issues of someone who has proven an ability to cheat and the chances of them doing it again. But your dogmatic position is reflective of your youth, I think.

    Carl November 16, 2009 at 3:38 am #
  2. I believe you are seriously misinterpreting my thoughts on this subject. But I appreciate the kind way you share your disagreement =]

    What I'm saying is that if you are engaged to a person, and they are unfaithful during the engagement, that is not the person you want to marry. You will always have that between you and it would only make the marriage even more difficult than marriages already are to be successful.

    I'm not saying that someone who has cheated is always going to be a failure and will always cheat. God is the God of forgiveness and redemption. Can her fiance change and get help, absolutely, will he, we do not know and why would she want to marry a man who may or may not get better? It would be like marrying a drug addict hoping that he gets better during the marriage, not a good idea.

    He deserves another chance at doing it right, but he has lost that opportunity with her, in my opinion. I'm about as undogmatic of a person you will ever meet, but I've been working with couples in crisis for over 15 years, and I think I've learned through the years that people who show a pattern of cheating tend to keep with the pattern throughout their lifetime. Not everyone of them, but many of them.

    If this young lady was married to this man and had children with him, then my advice would be very different. But she is only engaged, which means she can find another man who is more mature and more honoring of her than what this man had been.

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 4:09 am #
  3. One last thought before I go get my haircut, but I want everyone reading this to know that you never, ever marry a person who is struggling with something you would not want to deal with for the rest of your life!

    That's why, if someone is cheating on you before marriage, then you must ask yourself, "Am I willing to deal with this issue for the rest of my life?" If the answer is no, then break off the relationship.

    Does the person smoke? Can I live with this the rest of my life?

    Does the person struggle with drugs? Can I live with this the rest of my life?

    Does the person have anger issues? Can I live with this the rest of my life?

    When you ask these kinds of questions, you are not judging someone or saying that God can not help them. God can do amazing things in people's lives, who allow Him to do amazing things. The problem with getting healed by God, is that it is our job to ask God to heal us. God does not force His salvation and healing on us, we must receive it!

    You have to ask the tough questions about your fiance before getting married. What is it you do not like, and are you willing to live with that the rest of your life because there is never any guarantee that someone will change or get better.

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 4:19 am #
  4. I think what Michael is saying is that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you, so by staying engaged to this guy, she is allowing him to continue to disrespect her. There is no way he can commit to her until he gets help for himself… so while there can be restoration and forgiveness (if there is real repentance), this guy needs professional help and therefore, at this point, he is nowhere close to being ready for marriage… I have to agree with Michael that she needs to break off the engagement…

    Desi Wright November 16, 2009 at 4:36 am #
  5. Oh… should have read Michael's posts before I put in my 2 cents… guess he said it for himself. 🙂

    Desi Wright November 16, 2009 at 4:38 am #
  6. Interesting take. I think marriage has a whole lot more to do with preparation than it does with selection. I believe that if someone prepares themselves through character development, spiritual disciplines, etc. they will attract the right person and the need to go through a "checklist" to determine what I can live with and what I can't live with is rather inconsequential.

    By the way, it seems a little dogmatic to say, "I’m about as undogmatic of a person you will ever meet" but I digress. I like your style for the most part.

    Carl November 16, 2009 at 4:39 am #
  7. I truly know the turmoil that this young woman is living through. I also have made mistakes similar to the fiance who has cheated. In the end as a divorced single mother of four,
    I have to agree with what Mike states in his video and its also my opinion to absolutely break the engagement and find someone who will honor you as his future wife in the eyes of Christ and how he intended. You won't be able to live a day without wondering whether he is being faithful and it will always be in the back of your mind.
    In life it seems we have soo much already to take on why occupy are heartfelt thoughts on such negative things that have a terrible effect on all parties involved. Good Luck to this young woman and may the Lord guide her in the direction that will make her most happy!

    Katy Kareus November 16, 2009 at 4:42 am #
  8. Michael,
    I agree with you 100%! This man has lost his chance with this woman. Hopefully he will see the error of his ways and change and go on to have a successful faithful relationship with someone else, someone else being key!
    To begin a marriage on a foundation of mistrust is setting the marriage up to fail.
    Do you want to fear live in fear of will he cheat again?
    I am so sorry this has happened but maybe better before the marriage than after and especially before kids are involved.

    Melissa Smith November 16, 2009 at 4:51 am #
  9. I disagree about the once a cheater always a cheater…I believe that you are always a cheater. Now I do believe that God does grant forgiveness, but just because he does doesn't mean that someone will not cheat again. My boyfriend's ex cheated on him when they were engaged. They had a child out of wedlock and had been together for 10 years….then one day when his daughter was 3 he daughter his ex cheating with his best friend. He forgave the both of them, but decided he could not be friends with either one of them anymore. The engagement ended. She got married to another man 4 years down the road….then 3 years later she cheated on her husband with another man. She divorced him and is no longer with that man…now she is seeing many guys. I have seen this play out to many times in people's lives. You can forgive someone but it does not mean you forget. I agree that she should leave her fiance because that resentment will be with her for the rest of there life. Why build a relationship off of broken trust? Relationships do not work that way. She needs to be able to trust that her husband will never cheat again, but the fear will always be there, except maybe he will hide it better this time around. You should not be with someone that is willing to hurt you.

    Melanie November 16, 2009 at 4:52 am #
  10. If her circumstances were different, I might agree with the poster below me. I mean, if he showed repentance, took responsibility, got help if it's some sort of pathological problem – okay.

    The thing is, that it seems like she's saying that she knows she has loved and invested more than he has. So, for me, the issue is that knowing he's not as invested is a gift. The difficult thing is not to take that personally – as in, he doesn't love me as much, that must mean I'm not as lovable. What it means is that he's not as invested because he's not as loving. He's not as committed. This affair may be his passive aggressive way of saying he doesn't really want to get married. And as painful as that is, it is much better to know sooner than later.

    Behaviors are clues the heart leaves. Sometimes they are almost unbearably hard to accept, but not doing so only leads to heartache.

    Amy November 16, 2009 at 5:11 am #
  11. I forgave and kept a cheating fiance. I was married 24 years before he cheated again. He is now married to his mistress of our marriage. It almost killed me to be betrayed like that after so many years.

    A couple's committment to God and the marriage should be first place. If you do not see that now, it has been my experience it does not come later.
    He was a great husband until he decided he didn't want to keep his vows and he justified that action by secular standards not God's.

    Sherry Foster November 16, 2009 at 9:00 am #
  12. Please listen to everyone telling you to break off your engagement. My husband cheated on me and they are right; you will NEVER FORGET even though you forgive. I face the fear everyday that he may cheat again. Michael is absolutely right on about your marriage being doomed to fail. I've been married 21 years and a commitment to marriage is mostly about trust. If you go in already not trusting, it will not get better. Here are other reasons: my husband can't be the role model he should have been to our two son's. He tried to explain to them why they shouldn't have sex with a girlfriend and that they should "just say NO" and they think, "yeah, right, you couldn't say no." He finds it hard to discipline them because he knows he failed in earning their trust. They live every day wondering if he'll do it again and if they will have a divorced family because they know I won't give him another chance. That's the worst part, when your children end up being involved. If Dad goes out of town on business, they want me to go with him. You aren't married yet, so you have to ask yourself a very important question, what will you do if he does it again after your married? And what if you have children by then? Will you give him ANOTHER chance, because that's twice now? He has you over a barrel because of the kids. If you stay again, that pretty much tells him he can do anything and you won't leave. They will eventually find out he did it before you got married and they will have no respect for him and every relationship will be poisoned. How will the relationships with your family members be? Mother, father, sister or brothers? They obviously know what he did and they may hold a grudge and that will end up dividing you. He asked me not to tell my parents because he couldn't bear the guilt he would feel. I agreed because I knew it would devastate them. My brothers wanted to kill him for the pain he put me through. I haven't even mentioned the cost of counseling. I believe I still need to get my boys more counseling. Now I will tell you what I'm really getting at. I over looked some red flags before we were married, because I was "madly" in love with him. I noticed he looked at other women, but he told me he was just a people person and looked at everybody. I let it go and married him. When the boys were 12 &14 we moved into a new neighborhood and we became friends with the people across the street. In the end, I would find out she was what the Bible calls a Proverbs 5 woman and she coveted my life, so she came after my husband hoping she could have it all. That's why this was especially difficult. Our children went to school together, youth group, …. a very small town. It affected our neighborhood, our mutual friends, their school, teachers, etc…… I couldn't open my blinds or go out my front door without seeing her, her house, everything about her. I was suicidal. It was a very short lived affair because God let me find out and that stopped it, but the damage was already done. By then, my husband was sick with guilt and didn't want her, and begged me to stay and get counseling. I had always told him I would leave if he ever cheated on me, but when your children are crying and pleading with you to stay, my heart broke and I felt I had to sacrifice my life for theirs. It has been 4 years now and she just moved out and left her family. I think she was waiting all this time to see if we would make it and still maybe get him. It has been hell for everyone. So, my question is, what if he cheats again and it's with a friend, neighbor or co-worker who lives in your same town? You will endure more than most can stand. Please, trust me, I know what I'm talking about. This isn't about marriage, but your future and it will be toxic with this man. May you look to your Father in Heaven who loves you and knows best and ask Him to guide you; and then listen to Him.

    Corinne November 16, 2009 at 9:48 am #
  13. from my friends on Facebook:

    "My thoughts….once a cheater always a cheater. It will not change…if he is willing to do this to you right now, while engaged then he is willing to do this to you when you are married. Sorry to hear that he has been such a jerk to you, but it is better to break it off now when there is no kids involved than to break it off when you are married and have kids. I will be praying for you."

    Melanie Bee

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 10:50 am #
  14. From my friends on Facebook:

    Melissa Barr Smith

    "I agree with you Melanie!! Your thoughts very similar to mine that I left on the go smalley website.

    This is so sad and terribly hurtful but thankfully there is no marriage yet and no kids!

    Praying for this lady and this man that she may get through the hurt and go on to love a faithful man and have a beautiful marriage and praying for this man that he may see his mistake and go on to have a faithful relationship with someone else."

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 10:51 am #
  15. From my friends on Facebook:

    James Duncan

    "I feel she should break off the engagement as this guy has already shown his character and the fact that he will not be true to her. If she were marry him she would be just asking for unhappiness."

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 10:51 am #
  16. My friend from Facebook said,

    LaDonna Stewart Jensen

    "If you are both Christians I say you have to try. If your a mixed religious couple with one not a Christian then I say God has something better for you and you should be single until he brings the right one in your path. Ultimately God wants us to be happy and we have to ask ourselves, "Did God bring this person into my life?" If the answer is yes then you trust it."

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 11:45 pm #
  17. Amy Smith had more to say on Facebook:

    "I think it needs to be a matter of conscience where working it out goes. They are not married. Joseph was gracious to Mary when he wanted to put her away privately (end their engagement) for what he supposed was her sexual violation of their betrothal. That was merciful for him to do. The difference is that in Mary's case, she hadn't been unfaithful at all.

    I think it's important to separate this young lady ending her engagement (which I feel is warranted in her situation, but that's for her to decide) from the idea of passing judgment on the young man. Whether she stays or goes, the act was sinful yet he's no more or less sinful than any of the rest of us. I feel he's not ready for marriage based on his actions. That doesn't mean that I think he's not ready to be reconciled to God. My advice to not take him back does not include condemning him or not forgiving him.

    For her own sake, I hope she forgives. But forgiveness, trust and reconciliation are three separate things. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to trust someone or that you have to take them back. It means you release them from the debt their sin creates. It means you let go of the bitterness and resentment. It means that you let God work in your heart so that you can want good for them instead of what's coming to them. It's a process, not an event.

    What I would hate to see is for her to feel pressured – because she is a Christian – to take him back. That's an unfair burden to place on a person who has just received such a blow and still loves this man despite his failure to honor and be faithful to her.

    He does need help and he does need a second chance. But that's for God to give him. No one should require the person he hurt to give him those things."

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 11:46 pm #
  18. Barbara Kaye Carter Homrighaus said this on Facebook:

    "I have friends who are Christians and who had their 30th anniversary this year. They dealt with infidelity and worked it out. They have one of the strongest marriages I know now days. This happened more than 20 years ago. It took a LOT of forgiveness but the work to restore faith and love was worth it."

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 11:46 pm #
  19. Amy Smith is back again on Facebook,

    "I've also known married people who have worked it out. My own parents among them. But this couple is not married. And getting married won't fix this. What concerns me most is that this seems to be an indication that she's more invested than he is. And she's still madly in love with him. It's hard for a woman to love more than she is loved. Think about what happens after marriage when men go back to their "normal" lives and are no longer in pursuit mode. That's tough enough for couples who had an idyllic dating experience, but if the romance portion of their love story contains infidelity, it's going to be that much harder for her to hang in there when the going's rough.

    It's not undoable. But that also doesn't mean that it's wise to do, or good to do."

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 11:47 pm #
  20. And then Barbara Kaye Carter Homrighaus responds back to Amy Smith on Facebook:

    "I thought it was a general question. Yes, if they are NOT married yet, they should NOT get married. She should get some counseling so she can appreciate the bullet she has missed by not being committed for life to this loser. This is just one more reason why you should save sex for marriage.

    She is more bonded to him than she would have been, I believe, because of the physical relationship. If you are involved on that level, you want to overlook danger signs and rationalize almost any kind of bad behavior to "give it one more chance" and will unfortunately often ignore the advice of those who love you because you are more invested in the guy. He keeps you a bit jealous so he can have the emotional upper hand and have all the benefits of a long-term relationship along with the license to run around at will.

    She should RUN in the opposite direction, get some counseling to find out why she got involved with someone like that and then not get involved with anyone else for at least a year. And thank God every day that she got the wake up call before marriage.

    My friend's situation was very different because it was a one time thing, he was remorseful and knew he loved his wife and child and needed to work on the marriage. Big difference."

    Michael Smalley November 16, 2009 at 11:49 pm #
  21. Dump him. I love what Amy Smith has said: It's an event, not a process". And, that is an unfair burden for anyone to bear by taking him back. I'm praying for your healing, but run for your life. You deserve better. God bless you.

    Rhonda Hubbard November 17, 2009 at 3:10 am #
  22. Rhonda Hubbard making a correction. I got Amy Smith's comment backwards. "It's a process, not an event." Sorry. Also, it will always be in the back of your mind like so many others have said. You don't want to go through life having to wonder. God bless.

    Rhonda Hubbard November 17, 2009 at 12:59 pm #
  23. Wow! What a horrible situation to be facing. My heart goes out to this young lady. I, too, would counsel her to stop the relationship. There is something spiritually, mentally, and morally wrong with this man to be cheating on his fiancée. At what point, did he think it was ok to cheat on his partner for life and the future mother of his children? By his act of cheating, he revealed his true heart towards her. He revealed how little value she holds in his life. He also showed his commitment level (lack of) to their relationship. This man is in need of some serious help.

    I also believe in mercy and grace. But she still can show mercy and grace and still not marry him. If she is entertaining the thought of keeping the relationship, then she needs to require solo counseling on his part as well as joint counseling. In marriage, each spouse brings in enough baggage that they must learn to work through. His act of betrayal now brings an enormous amount of unnecessary baggage to this relationship. What a horrible way to begin a marital relationship. She will be wondering if he is really meaning his “I Do’s”. Is it really worth it to her? Is he really worth it? Is she really ready for this long difficult road? Difficult questions to ask while in pain but necessary. If they were married already, this would be an entirely different conversation. But she has an opportunity to decide what is best for her life with no strings of attachment.

    James K November 17, 2009 at 2:08 pm #
  24. My father was in the same situation years ago, in love with two women at once. He chose my mom, married and had four children, only to divorce her when the youngest was 4. His love was based on emotions and hormones (see dictionary), not unconditional love (see God's Word 1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Those who fall in love most often fall out. Those who choose to give a free gift of unconditional love ought to only marry those who choose to give back the same kind.

    You can find out what kind of love they have in their heart before getting romantically entangled. Most people don't know how. Ask God. He wants marriages to glorify Him but He lets us choose anyway. Be careful who you give your free gift of absolute unconditional lifetime commitment to. I don't necessarily recommend she give up on this guy, but she ought to tell him what kind of love she believes marriage should be about and ask him if he has absolute unconditional love in his heart right now. Seems he has proven the kind of love in his heart is the kind that fails (dictionary).

    This kind of person usually has an anger problem. His lust problem is obvious. He is looking to a human and other worldly pleasures to make him happy. It won't work. It is no fun giving unconditional love to someone who doesn't return it, someone who blames you for their wrong behavior and choices. Add children and bills into the mix and his selfishness will be much more obvious and he will merely blame others for his stress and outbursts or mental or physical adultery. No one needs God to experience romance. Only because of Jesus can anyone offer true absolute unconditional love. If she is a Christian, she is commanded NOT to marry an unbeliever.

    A tree is known by its fruit. If this man is a believer and she still wants to give her free gift of absolute unconditional love to him for a lifetime no way out, then she needs to give him space to repent in a very serious way. She should drop all contact 100% after telling him of her definition of love and God's roles for husbands and wives and the divine purpose for marriage and that he can only be happy in marriage doing it God's way. If he is truly sorry and truly a believer who desires to obey God out of thankfulness for the free gift of Salvation, then he will repent and prove it in time. She is not to find anyone else. Flirting got her into this mess in the first place.

    Those who flirt to arrive at engagement do not trust God for romance. They trust in their emotions and usually do not ask mentors to inspect the heart of suitors before they allow themselves to get emotionally addicted to someone. I suspect she is emotionally addicted and after 10 years of living with this lustful adulterous man and dealing with his impatience with the children and irresponsible financial maneuvers, her "love" will fade and die. She can find out if her love is God's love through her that will never fail, or dictionary love that fails.

    If there is ANY reason whatever that she would think divorce would be necessary someday if he did the unthinkables A,B,C, then she does not have God's love to give. If she is not willing to submit to his God given leadership of the home 100% in all areas, trusting God to protect her or the kids, then she will be moody and argumentative and often disrespectful and push him away eventually. Few men love their kids enough to stay and put up with a grumpy wife depressed over marital disappointment. Christian dating is a new phenomena and it is failing Christians and marriages and children. It is of the world and there is little to no safety in it.

    Breaking up is of the world too, but if the man is an unbeliever, she has no choice. God would have told her to run away from him before the first date had she asked. If he is a believer, then her cutting off the relationship until either he repents for real or a strong believer asks for her hand in marriage that will never fail 100% guaranteed. She needs to ask herself if her love is merely an addiction, a form of idolatry (he will make me happy or I can make him happy). She can spend her freedom from this relationship for the next year or two in learning life skills and growing closer to the only true source of happiness, peace, and security Jesus Christ.

    She won't be doing her fiance any favors by enabling his lust problem with rushed forgiveness before true repentance has been proven to her and many others especially her parents, her future inlaws, her pastor, the elders or other mentors. There is safety in the multitude of counselors. She sought no ones mentoring before beginning this romance I am guessing. Why are so many people afraid to ask the BIG questions about character & faith before they get emotionally bonded? Fear of rejection or offending? They do that later in their marriage anyway, there is no escape. Why not expose poor character early when people are motivated to do something about it.

    After the wedding day, motivation goes way way way down. Sold! As is, no warranty. We reap what we sow. Be smart girl, don't go looking for a husband, but don't marry this guy anytime soon. Give him a chance to repent. God will bring another man to be your husband if He knows your current fiance will not fully repent. His emotional apologies and promises do not represent true repentance. You are biased. Get your dad and a lot of others to interview him and watch him like a hawk for a couple months, but only if your fiance is willing to submit to open scrutiny. If he is not, why would he submit to God's commands in how to treat a wife and children? If he is sorry for real, he will submit to examination and ask for a LOT of help to stop sinning. You are young. Impatient people are not that much fun being married to.

    Don't be impatient in this. There is NO biblical grounds for divorce despite what some tell you and what some bible interpretations say. If we cannot lose our free gift of salvation, then no one can lose the free gift of lifetime commitment that was promised to them on their wedding day. If you give your fiance real room to repent (no dating or phone calls etc till all your and his mentors say you both are ready to glorify God with your union), then you are blessing him beyond measure. Allow him to get away with this through premature forgiveness, then he will suffer terribly with guilt and your mistrust, and worse consequences.

    Allow him to be set free of this sin God's way and you both will be blessed. Don't rescue him. True love doesn't enable. He needs time to repent and prove it. Don't even think about other men right now. No female needs to look for a husband or fantasize about who it will be. God will let her know when the time is right. Allow your fiance time to get strong enough to resist the flirtations of loose women. In the future he may just look at pictures, but its all adultery. Jesus said thoughts count too. We are all guilty of adultery as defined in Matthew, which leaves no way out of marriage for it, but who did it first and how. Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. Only those who think we can give humans a different kind of love and forgiveness than God gives us believe God is OK with divorce (for those who were Biblically available on their wedding day).

    Adam and Eve had no one else to date or marry if they broke up. A covenant is supposed to be a two way street. Make sure you are building your house (marriage) on the rock of Jesus and not the sand of emotions. If your fiance is not saved (church elders and pastor and other Christian mentors can investigate if he will submit to it. If he won't that is proof he is rebellious and secretive and doesn't think you are worth the trouble and embarassment and isn't really that sorry about his adultery).

    Break off any romance with an unbeliever immediately and never start another with one. They won't be happy being married to you. Your parenting standards will be far too different and it will matter a lot. Jesus defined adultery as lustful thoughts as well as fornication whether married or not. This is serious. Do not put your emotions over God's commands. He wants to keep you safe and wants your marriage to draw others to Him by example of peaceful, joyful, unconditional love and great teamwork. Your fiance is not capable of this yet.

    Give him space and time. Involvement with you will delay this process. Get into a ministry and learn life skills to keep yourself busy. God promised to not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear and always provides a way of escape from temptation. No believer is a slave to sin. Jesus set us free indeed! He came that we might have life abundantly. That is not possible with a marriage suffering mistrust and insecurity about staying married for life. The kids will suffer terribly from this atmosphere.

    If you love the kids you haven't had yet, please trust God for a husband one way or another. Avoid all flirters. Don't flirt. Flirting is to keep marriage strong, not to arrive at the wedding altar! You don't have to break off the engagement yet if he claims to be a believer, but there will have to be a serious intense time of him seeking much accountability and help and training in being a godly husband and father and provider. If he is a believer, he will welcome the help.

    Amy West November 18, 2009 at 1:45 pm #
  25. Gosh. How incredibly difficult to believe you have found the love of your life that you have waited and longed for only to have your dreams shattered.

    I have read many of the replies posted here and most are very black and white. The only problem with that is that love is not logical.

    While it IS of paramount importance that we strive to walk out and seek out the Lord's plan for our lives (which includes seeking out the person God has for us and being sure to make prayerful decisions) it is not so simple to just walk away from our shattered dream and dismiss a person's iniquity with the phrase "once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater" (which equates to NO HOPE)… that would be like God saying to a person coming to the cross for salvation "once a sinner, always a sinner – no hope for you.." ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU. If this young lady has prayerfully sought the Lord and is certain this man is the one God has chosen for her, it is important for the two to walk through this problem together – as the Lord may be doing a very early work in their relationship that will be a testiment later on. If she is not certain he is the right man, she must first seek the Lord. She must continue to seek the Lord until she is able to move forward with clear direction from Him.

    The hurt, disgrace, regret, sorrow, heartbreak, fear, rejection and lonliness that has been inflicted upon her due to this unfortunate circumstance will not be left unanswered by a just and loving God. This young man will reap a harvest from that which he has sown, and this young lady will surely receive double for her trouble as long as she allows the Lord to make her better not bitter. Praying the best of success for those involoved in this situation as heartache is not easily overcome. I pray compassion, wisdom, and faith unto these people.

    Bridgette December 27, 2009 at 12:17 pm #
  26. I watched Dr. Gary Smalley on Joyce Meyer's show today, which led me to this link. I am a Christian woman who is married to a man who is not. I read Michael's response about the woman who is engaged to a man who has cheated on her and I agree. I've been married for ten years to a man who has severe anger issues. He has never physically abused me or my children, but he has been verbally abusive and destroyed things in my home, in a fit of rage. Right now I am searching for answers and I've been fasting and praying for direction. When I read what Michael said about "Are you willing to deal with that for the rest of your life?" My spirit cryed out, "No!"

    I agree that God can do all things but I also know we have to beleive in Him to receive help and most of all we have to recognize when we need help and ask for it. While I should have asked these questions when he showed himself to me early on, I feel it's never too late to make a change.

    Please pray for me that I will have the courage needed to follow the guidance that God has provided and continue to seek his plan for my life. God Bless You and your family.

    Nilsa

    Nilsa December 27, 2009 at 2:28 pm #
  27. Ask yourself what kind of man do you want to call your husband (really search yourself on that one) and what kind of man do YOU deserve to have as a husband. When you walk down that isle, can you look at that man you are about to marry and know for certain that this is the man God wants you to marry and this is the man you are proud and happy to be marrying and committing the rest of your life to. This is your life and God gives us choices. Anything can happen in the course of a marriage, true, but no one should go into a marriage having doubts and only you know whether you have those doubts. Please give you and your future children the best start you can. Start by building your house on solid ground.

    Barbara December 28, 2009 at 10:37 am #
  28. If you are cheated on while only engaged, leave. Simply leave, accept the pain, let it wash over you but no matter what leave.

    The first time my fiance cheated on me, I tried to move past it. One year later he did it again and this time while I was pregnant. A friend guilted me into giving him a chance to be a good father.

    He IS trying to be a better person but I don't trust him, I never will. I always look for signs that he is cheating again, I have no sex drive anymore because he cheated on me because I couldnt have sex during my pregnancy. I'm afraid that if he cheats again our daughter will find out and she will never trust men. He swears he isnt the same person but deep down I fear he will decide he doesnt want to work at being a good man any longer. Part of me hates him, part of me hates myself for not leaving. It's exhausting.

    I've heard anger is like taking poison while waiting for the other person to die. It's true. The constant mistrust I have for him eats away at me with each minute he is late coming home from work or if he is gone to the grocery store a moment to long. It's destroying me.

    We have shared debt now with our daughter and I cannot leave and care for my daughter too so I stay with a man I do not trust who I know can't honestly be happy since I have no interest in intimacy anymore. Do not accept betrayal from someone you love as a part of life. Find someone who loves you enough to be faithful.

    Regrets January 3, 2010 at 9:47 am #
  29. I came across this post as a result of searching the web for answers as to why my boyfriend cheated on me and is now engaged to someone else. I am a Christian and prayed that God reveal to me if this was the man for me. God did reveal it, but it wasn't the answer that I was hoping for (what my desires were); however, I know that God's desire for me is better and that HE only protected me from someone whom I loved and trusted for over 3 years. This was the ALLEGEDLY (because now I know beeter) humble, upright, nicest, very respectful guy that I had ever met – seriously, all of my friends envied our relationship. He fooled a lot of people!

    One week after his engagement (which I knew nothing about at the time), he invited me to spend the weekend with him for his birthday. We live in different states, he relocated 2 years into our relationship and had asked me to relocate to be with him. Our relationship became strained, we actually broke up twice and got back together. His fiance' actually lives in the same area that I do and I found out that he had been dating her simultaneous to dating me.

    When I found out about his engagement not only did he deny it, he denied being involved with the young lady. Someone told her about his still being involved with me and of course he denied it too. I don't know the young lady personally – an associate of mine is friends with a good friend of the young lady – that is how I found out about the engagement after the fact.

    It's my understanding that she believes the lies that he told her – even though from what I have been told, she knew of his and our past relationship – and she is planning to relocate and go through with the wedding.

    This whole thing was a huge blow to me because I had been with this man for such an extended period of time and really trusted him. Both of us commuted back and forth to see one another after he relocated. We had issues, but none to the point to make me suspect he was involved with another woman to the extend of getting engaged. I literally went from being his woman to his other woman and never even knew it!

    My suggestion to the woman who knows her fiance' cheated is to leave him alone. Just from my experience and how my ex- lied so much to me and his fiance' just baffles me. I believe in forgiveness, I even told my ex- that I wished him well. As soon as I found out about this, the first thing I did was ask God to give me the strength and courage to deal with it. There is a lot more detail involved….my ex- and I practically lived together before he relocated; I went with him to meet his new bosses; helped him select a place to stay in his new town, etc….and he still cheated, lied, and even told me he still loved me after all this happened…but he has a fiance' !!! I think something is seriously wrong when a person can not be faithful after they make a commitment to marry someone..it is an indication of their TRUE character…people have a way of only showing their GOOD side…but if you pray and ask God to help you see the person for who they truly are…HE will!

    Pray for God to give you an answer…

    Rosalyn January 5, 2010 at 2:46 pm #
  30. Nilsa, I'd like to hear more about your situation as I am stuck in a very similr one.

    I too saw red flags early on in my relationship with my husband and ignored them thinking he was going to change. Unfortunately his anger issues escalated as the years pressed on to the point that I "chose" not to have children with him. After 8 years putting up with his rage, my dreams of having a family have been broken as well as my heart. He simply didn't respect me and therefore I couldn't trust him to build a family with him.

    To the young lady with the cheating fiance: Please break off your engagement. His wedding vows to you will contain the phrase "to honor you" and he's already not honoring you by disrespecting your relationship. There's already an important part of the foundation for a healthy marriage which is trust. What's going to happen when you bring children into your marriage and he's not coming home at a normal hour? If you can't trust him now, he's not going to change just because you have a marriage certificate. If anything, you are giving him the okay to continue doing what he is doing and showing him that you will accept his immoral behavior.

    I know that love can be blind. I had my entire family telling me on my wedding day in the back of the church not to marry my husband. I did it anyways.

    You have a family of Christians here that care about you and are advising you to break of your engagement. Please seriously consider it. God wants you to have a God-centered marriage, family and home. Marrying this guy will not get you there.

    Maria January 31, 2010 at 6:00 pm #
  31. yes

    Adam March 3, 2010 at 1:34 pm #
  32. yes

    Adam March 3, 2010 at 7:34 pm #
  33. I totally agree – dump the fellow faster than he can blink. I dated a lot of jerks on my way to getting married at age 44 – and am SO GLAD I held out for the right one. The fiance who cheats on you is giving you the gift of telling you before you marry – that he is NOT worth your time. Do not marry based on a person's potential. Marry only if you can look at the fellow and say there is nothing I can't live with. Now go get some counselling. 🙂

    cherylnygaard April 21, 2010 at 9:32 am #
  34. I completely agree – do not marry him. I was dating a guy for 11 months who never told me he was engaged. He hurt me so badly because 2 weeks before he was getting married, that is when I found out he was about to walk down the aisle with another woman. I couldn't believe it. And when I asked him about it, he lied. Finally he admitted he was engaged but he doesn't want to go through with the wedding. That was a lie. He just wanted me to stay around so he can have his cake and eat it too.

    I contemplated telling his fiance but then I said why should I. She must know, because he was with me for 11 months. Not 2 weeks. She must have some idea of his cheating. I just thank God that I found out before he was actually married. I don't think he felt guilty at all for what he did. They went ahead and got married but I feel sorry for the wife. Her husband cheated on her the entire time they were engaged. He's a liar, cheater and he can not be trusted. He has absolutely no respect for her or her feelings. He is selfish.

    He claimed he made a mistake. A mistake is something you do once, but a mistake you make for 11 months is not a mistake.

    He claimed he didn't want to hurt anyone. Dating two ladies, how could you not hurt someone? Someone was bound to get hurt. It was me, but in the end I thank God I didn't marry the jerk. He lied to me so much. You can't trust anyone that can constantly lie without feeling guilty for their actions.

    I refuse to be a woman that marries a man that has openly showed me his character. You would never be able to trust him. It's too much stress to have to worry about where he is, who is seeing, checking his phone, checking his email, etc. I know that a healthy relationship would not involve a man cheating on me for many months. If he got away with it, he will just cheat again with the next girl that is willing to give him the attention he seeks.

    Men like him are selfish and don't care about no one else but themselves. I asked myself why did he get married if he knows he is not happy with her? Not sure, but selfish motives probably. She is probably giving him somthing he needs (financial, stability, etc). i have no idea, but one thing I know for sure is it is not love. He doesn't love you if he can cheat on you for several months.

    Find someone that will LOVE you and find someone that if they do something wrong, they feel guilty about it. Usually a man of God will feel guilty because he knows that he will be judged for his misconduct.

    skyy June 9, 2010 at 6:04 am #
  35. Well I know of a case where the guy cheated on his then girlfriend for a whole year, then he gets engaged to her and he continues cheating. She was told after the engagement about his behaviour. She said she did not see him with any women, so she is still engaged to him. Before she found out he had put the engagement announcement on Face Book.
    After she found out, he did damage control and continued right on cheating…
    She is a brave girl…

    Carla Hill June 12, 2011 at 9:14 pm #
  36. Did I mention that this is his second marriage and he is over 40yrs.

    Carla Hill June 12, 2011 at 9:22 pm #
  37. A man I was with off and on for 5 years came back a year ago saying he was broken up and ending things with this lady with 2 boys that he was dating ( she was rich from a divorce) that they just had complicated financial stuff to work out. I beiieve he loved me and was going to wait for him to be with him and a week ago found out they were getting married Valentine’s Day. I have enough texts and he’s been seeing me this whole engagement other than when I cut him off when she moved in. Then when he told me it was over and he moved her out I started seeing him again. He always tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. Somehow I am strong enough that I ended it completely ( in tears) but the reality is she can have him I can’t believe he lied to me about getting married. He is recovering alcoholic. A narcissist and a liar. I can’t believe she doesn’t know but I’m just taking myself out of the situation they can have each other. I know he needs her for her money that comes from her X husband. I know there is something better for me out there. I’m just surprised this is so common reading these.

    Lola February 16, 2016 at 3:25 am #
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